Diabolical nerds calculate victory over Bruins

PASADENA, CA–Coach Boreale was in seclusion after the devastating loss to the Stanford Poindexters.  “I let the team down this week.  I underestimated the Cardinal, and did not prepare them well enough.  I take full responsibility.” 

Final score was 20-7 Stanford.  This game was defined by defense and turnovers.  Stanford ended the day with only 139 yards of total offense, while the Bruins had 189.  “Wilting” Willis Johnson was sacked 7 times and the Bruins turned the ball over 6 times (2 fumbles, 4 INTs)!  Johnson went 11-25 for 177 yards, 0 TD and 4 INTs.  Coach B asked “How is this guy rated 99 overall?”  He lost 58 yards in sacks.  In his defense, his receivers dropped a lot of passes, especially after taking some vicious hits from the Stanford secondary. 

Terrell Thompson had a couple of good runs, but the running game was essentially shut down by Stanford’s unbelievable LB corp. 

Said Terrell after the game, “I went to high school with a few of these guys.  It was bittersweet, I guess.  To lose the game but see old friends.  A lot of these guys are not as nerdy as you would think.  They did manage to patent 3 unique beer bong designs in high school.  I was recruited heavily by Stanford you know, and I would have gone, except that it is too close to East Palo Alto, and there were not nearly enough fly bitches around on my official visit.  I’m not worried, I’m gonna take it to these nerds in MBA school.”

Stanford MLB Barrett Busch (yes, of Anheiser Busch) was a machine; he had 4 tackles, 1 TFL, a sack, an INT, and a fumble recovery.  Speaking of recovery, he had to find an AA meeting after the game as part of his probation.

The Bruins dropped to #20 on the loss.  5-0 Stanford is apparently going to sneak up on some teams this season, with their hard-hitting, aggressive, nerdy defense.

Bruins handle Huskies in Pac-10 opener

SEATTLE, WA–The 1-2 Washington Huskies posed little threat to the Bruins this week, as UCLA was clearly a dominant team.  The score was 28-0 at the half, when Coach B took out the starters.  Final score: 38-7. 

 

Terrell Thompson finished the day with 9 carries for 23 yards and 1 TD in the first half.

Willis Johnson went 9 for 12 for 94 yards 1 passing TD, 1 rushing TD, and 1 INT.  Willis has developed a new found appreciation for the option, which seems to be the only thing that keeps his INTs down.

The game was beneficial for the Freshman on defense, who got some good PT. 

Mike Goss caught the TD pass shown here.

There were no real standouts on defense.  Everyone did their part, as they have most of the season. 

In other Pac-10 news, Arizona upset #13 USC.  UA Freshman TE Kory Mitchell had 10 receptions for 145 yards and 3 TDs.

UCLA moved up to #14 with the win.  Up next, unranked, but 4-0 Stanford.

Bruins beat Aztecs “Conquistador-style” in 40-0 win

SAN DIEGO, CA–The Bruins were looking to nurse their wounds after the tough loss to Tennessee.  The 3-0 SDSU Aztecs were the unfortunate recipients of this in-state beating.  The defense got the job done, holding SDSU to 19 yards of total offense.  They had 3 sacks and 1 INT courtesy of LeBron Thomas.  The score was 17-0 at the half.  

Terrell Thompson exhibited some maturity in the running game, while Willis Johnson settled down, going 8-13 for 123 yards, 2 TDs and 1 INT.  Somehow he also managed 16 yards rushing and 1 rushing TD.  Of the rushing TD he said, “My arm wasn’t working so well last week, so I thought I’d give my legs a try. ” 

Coach Boreale has considered adding the option as a viable red-zone option.

Mario Sanford had a magical night, hitting two field goals, one for 58 yards!  After hitting the FG, Mario pulled a salami sandwich out of his shoulder pad, and a jar of Mister Mustard from the goalpost pad.  He put T.O.’s Sharpie trick to shame. 

SEC payback against Volunteers

PASADENA, CA–The #3 ranked Tennessee Volunteers and Willis Johnson’s awful case of interception and fumblitis proved too much for the Bruins. Final score: 28-14, but the game was not that close.  Tennessee’s HB was the Heisman front-runner heading into the game.  While the D did its best to shut him down, he still finished with 12 carries for 128 yards and a TD, although most of his rushing yards came the second play from scrimmage–a 65 yard run.

 Said Defensive Capt. Rashaud Swann after the game “We didn’t bring it today.  What can I say?  The D could have been more in sync; Johnson’s frickin’ turnovers didn’t help either.”

Despite 3 first half turnovers, all by Johnson, the Bruins kept it close at 7-0 Tennessee.

The Bruins made a nice drive to end the half, but came up short of the endzone.  Usual bit player Chris McPherson came up with a big day due to a mismatch at CB.  He finished the day with 6 receptions for 100 yards, including this catch during the late 1st half drive. 

The running game was absolutely shut down, and Johnson was sacked 4 times, losing 57 yards in the process.  Johnson finished the day 14-26 for 308 yards 2 TDs and…wait for it, 4 INTERCEPTIONS and a fumble to boot. 

At the post-game press conference, Willis was asked about his ability to lead the team.  “I am the offensive captain.  I have to set the tone for the guys out there.  All my life, my dad has been letting me know what a loser I am.  Nothing is good enough for the Colonel.  I guess his voice is in my head every time I throw the ball.  During my three-step drop, it’s like ‘Loser! Loser! Loser!’  I’m not trying to make excuses, but it is tough out there.  Every INT just proves my old man right.  I hate him.”  Willis then cried for 15 minutes. 

Coach Boreale has chosen a wait and see approach to the QB spot, as Johnson’s mental toughness and manliness is increasingly called into question.   Fan favorite Karl Thurmond and up and comer Mike Goss had 94 yards, 1 TD and 109 yard, 1 TD, respectively.  

 Regarding this catch Thurmond was quoted as saying, “I just showed those bitches how we do in the C.P.T.  Why are they so big on volunteering anyhow?  I’ve never volunteered for anything in my life.  I rode the back of the bus, chump!”  With that, KT peeled out in a ‘91 Toyota Supra with the “whistle-tips” and jumped on the interstate towards Redondo Beach.

UCLA dropped to #18 with the loss.

SEC defense is “fo real”

AUBURN, AL–The Auburn Tigers possess the fastest defense Coach Boreale has ever faced.  This was a major defensive struggle; score of 3-0 at the half.

 The final score was 13-0 UCLA.  Turnovers were the name of the game here, as UCLA had 2 fumbles and 2 INTs, while Auburn had 2 fumbles and 1 INT.

Mario Sanford was injured before the half, and Patrick Petty was forced to fill in on kicking duties.  Somehow he managed to just hit this FG from 52 yards away.

Willis Johnson also got knocked out for the 2nd half going 7 for 16 for 78 yards and 2 INTs.  Patrick Cowan filled in and went 3 for 5 for 49 yards and a TD.  Coach Boreale is really considering Cowan, if Johnson can’t cut the mustard next week against #3 Tennessee.  Maybe Willis’ dad was right about him.

Kendall Barnett led the defense with 5 tackles and a forced fumble. 

Other key stats:

Terrell Thompson: 75 yards on 17 carries

Karl Thurmond: 4 receptions for 62 yards

Chris McPherson: 2 receptions, 45 yards, 1TD

 All in all, Coach B was disappointed by the sloppy play on both sides of the ball.  Two a days this week to get ready for #3 Tennessee.  If the Bruins play like they did today, it is going to be a long game.

Bonus: Since you are all wondering what Karl Thurmond looks like:

Bruins 2008 Schedule

Pre-season rank: #14

Week 1: at #18 Auburn

Week 2: #3 Tennessee

Week 3: bye

Week 4: at SDSU

Week 5: at Washington

Week 6: Stanford

Week 7: Arizona

Week 8: at Oregon

Week 9: bye

Week 10: Washington St.

Week 11: at #19 Cal

Week 12: Oregon St.

Week 13: at ASU

Week 14: #8 USC

Strength of Schdule: A+